The best me

15 Jun

Lately, I have felt discombobulated and unlike myself. I’ve lost all desire to cook and grocery shop. I don’t even have much energy to make more than a bowl of cereal to eat. I feel lazy when it comes to reading the Bible and other books. I’d rather sleep in than work out in the morning and I update my triathlon blog more out of guilt than excitement.

What happened? I got off track. My schedule got derailed and I haven’t been able to re-rail it. Instead of following a predictable order, my day is a jumble of necessities, thrown together in a haphazard manner.

It’s at times like this that I have two main thoughts running through my mind. One, I envy people who have the same routine day after day, year after year. How do they stay “on track” amidst the chaos of life? I can get into a routine for about a week and then something happens that knocks everything off kilter and I have to find a new routine (which only lasts for a week before being replaced by a new one). I had gotten in to a routine of getting in the Word during lunch. All it takes is a day when I have to skip my lunch to take Travis to the airport and before I know it, 4 days have gone by without my getting in the Word.

Two, I am amazed by people who work full-time, have families, volunteer in their community, serve at church, and bake cookies for sick children at the hospital. Ok, I’ll be honest. I don’t actually know anyone like that. But I do know several busy people. My older brother Brian for one. It seems like he always has 50 different projects going on at once. I don’t know how he stays sane amidst it all. I wouldn’t even say that I have a busy life and I struggle with keeping it all together.

Which makes me wonder, where does all my time go? Especially lately, with the triathlon training. I feel inadequately disciplined to get everything done that I think I should be doing. Like my New Year’s Resolutions? For the past several months, even just getting time in the Word has been a struggle, let alone listening to a sermon outside of church, memorizing verses, and praying regularly. As I list all those things, I know ways that I could squeeze them into my day. But when I get busy, I tend to get lazy. I push things off with the excuse “I’m too tired.”  

Anyway, I did not mean this post to be a lament at how much I fail at achieving my own goals. Rather, I meant it to be a reflection on what I am learning about myself. I am not a person who sticks to a routine. I am not anal about my schedule and I can be steered from my pattern very easily. I don’t have an obsessive personality so I will never truly excel at one specific thing. Rather, I will be more of a Jack of All Trades, being mediocre at many things. And I’m ok with that.

I’m also learning that God did create me to be a busy person. That’s not my personality, natural inclination, or even my gifting. I can handle busyness for only so long before I have a breakdown and cry for at least an hour (which happened many times in college). I am not a person who likes or can handle having every second of every day crammed with activity, meetings, friends, To-Do’s, and errands. I need down time. I need time to read, exercise, take naps, blog, and veg in front of the TV.

For so long I have seen these traits in myself and wanted to change them. Why can’t I be more disciplined? Why can’t I stick to a routine against all odds? Why can’t I work full time and have 5 different extracurricular activities? Why can’t I work full time and have even one?

I’m not trying to sell myself short but I don’t want to insist that I be someone I’m not before I believe that I’ve reached my “true potential.” It’s a fact that I will never be a social butterfly, never be the person who meets random strangers everywhere I go and have thousands of acquaintances. That’s not who I am. 

It’s so easy to get trapped into thinking that as a Christian, I have to act and be like other Christians. The president of the ministry I work for is a very outgoing (some would say obnoxious) person, sharing the gospel with complete strangers constantly. I admire his extroversion because I am not. And while I know that my introversion is sometimes sinful, I don’t believe that I have to become extroverted in order to be an effective witness.

What I want to know is how I can be the best me, not attempt to a version of someone else. God created me the way I am, including my whimsicalness and propensity for relaxation, for a reason. As a woman made in God’s image, I showcase His glory in a unique way, in a way that people with routines and busy lives don’t (and they showcase His glory in their own unique way too, as long as they’re believers). Instead of fighting who I am, or striving to be someone I am not, I want to embrace who I am and what I’m like. I want to use it to glorify God and not lament who He created me to be. I want to reach my full potential, as I am, and not waste the precious time and personality He has given me.

How easy it is for Satan to get ahold of our minds and make us discontent by getting us to envy someone else who we think is better/prettier/skinnier/wealthier/happier!! Just tonight I was jealous because Travis is a better biker than me, even though I’ve been training for a tri for the past 3 months and he has ridden a bike once in the past year. My sinful flesh screamed “It’s not fair!! Why can’t I be better than him for once?” Similarly, with all the exercise I’ve been doing, I get frustrated that I’m not miraculously losing weight. “It’s not fair! Why can’t I just be thin for once?”

Loving Father that He is, God turns me back to Himself time and time again. “Kathy, that is not where happiness lies. Even if you were to be better than Travis and have a flat stomach, you would still desire something more. I am that Something More. I am the fulfillment of the yearning in your heart. Me and Me alone.”

Praise the Father for His faithfulness and steadfastness! How reassuring to know that He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I change moment to moment, never sticking to a routine or schedule, but He never changes. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.

“Though I be dry and barren

By grace this love springs forth

Love for You and Your kingdom

Joy in Your glory Lord.”

 

“Jesus my only hope, my only plea,

My righteousness, My Great High Priest,

Who intercedes before the throne,

Jesus I trust in You alone!”

One Response to “The best me”

  1. angeli July 5, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    God indeed knows every affair of our hearts..and He truly understands why we react the way we react or why we think the way we think…Isnt it assuring to know that someone truly knows us the way He does?

    I was blessed by your post and im looking forward to reading more from your blog. =)

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