The pull of this life

22 Mar

It’s been a LONG time since I updated my blog, an unfortunate side effect of my new job. It’s kept me really busy and I’m enjoying it so far.

But…

It’s kind of bittersweet. Not that leaving Dare 2 Share makes me sad (although it was the day I left), but I’m not as ecstatic about the job as I thought I would be. Deep down, my soul feels wary and disturbed. It feels like I’m living a different life – this wasn’t just switching a job, it’s switching a lifestyle. And I knew that going into this. But I didn’t know it would make me feel so… weird.

Maybe I don’t feel totally pumped about this job because it’s still a job, after all, and not a ticket to paradise.

Part of it also is that I am now salaried and I work from home – 2 factors which make working everyday not only a possibility, but also something that is encouraged (my boss D works 60-70 hours a week). I’ve been averaging something like 45-50 for the 2 weeks I’ve been with YCS. This situation, however, produces guilt in me whenever I am not working, which sucks. I’m sure it’ll get at least a little better as I get settled into this new role and it feels more comfortable. But I was not prepared for that aspect.

The past week or so, I have been good about making time with God and exercise a priority – those are 2 things that I NEED daily or I seriously think I would cease to feel like myself ever. I also need to make time to cook, go on walks, read, and relax – things I really enjoy. If I don’t make time for those things, I think I will end up hating my life and that was most definitely NOT the point of taking this new job.

All that aside, however, my biggest fear is that I will drift away from God. It would be easy to do, with being busy all the time, and thinking about work constantly (something else that needs to stop for the sake of my sanity). And even though I am getting in the Word regularly, and went to Women’s Group and church this past week, I still feel far from God. Part of it is that I haven’t been praying as often as I had been while still at D2S. But the other part I attribute to my job. It’s very similar to my last post about vacation. My whole life now feels like a vacation – unfortunately, not in the aspect that it feels like I’m lying on the beach 24/7, but in the aspect that nothing feels familiar. Everything changed. I live in the same house with the same husband but honestly, that feels like pretty  much the only things that are the same.

As I try to reclaim my identity in the midst of this new job threatening to consume my life, I think about this song by Shawn McDonald:

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won’t let me go, won’t let me fly by
It’s taking it’s toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life
Don’t let me lose my sight of You
Don’t let me lose my sight

Chorus:
I don’t want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don’t want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

This world keeps making me cry
But I’m going to try, going to try to fly, GOTTA FLY HIGH
Don’t want to give into the sin, want to stay IN YOU ‘til the end
Don’t want to lose my sight of You
Don’t want to lose my sight

Chorus

I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this WHOLE world AND
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It’s got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes

God is powerful and can – nay, WILL – sustain my spirit in the midst of this. I cling to that truth.

One Response to “The pull of this life”

  1. katie March 22, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    Hey Kathy! Thanks for this post. What is your new job? I know how much transition a new job brings! Don’t have much time right now, but wanted to say hey and thanks for the update! Would love to hear about your new job!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: