Trusting God in Pregnancy

29 Jan


Yesterday, I talked about the physical discomforts of being pregnant but I think one of the biggest challenges of pregnancy is not letting my mind run wild with scary possibilities. We’ve all heard stories and known women who have experienced loss, and it’s hard not to freak out about every little change or thing that is probably normal, but might not be.

When I first got pregnant, I thought that I would feel more peaceful once I was out of that first trimester window of risk. But no, I still found things to worry about.

Just recently, I had some bleeding and while it stopped on its own and Emma continued kicking around in my belly, I called and talked to a nurse (a week later) at my OB office. She was very concerned and wondered why I hadn’t called earlier. She said that she would feel better if I came in on Monday instead of on Friday, which was when my next appointment was. In the meantime, I should avoid exercise and the activity that caused the bleeding. She was very nice, and I wasn’t too concerned about it.

But then I was watching TV one night and Emma wasn’t kicking around like she usually does. I timed her kicks and technically, I felt her move 10 times in less than an hour, but some of those kicks were really weak… could I count those? What if she wasn’t ok?

Another night, I went to bed and felt nothing. No kicks. Emma always kicks as I go to bed! And my mind started racing with all kinds of very unproductive and worst-case-scenario thoughts. But I woke up in the middle of the night to her doing her standard karate chopping, so she really was fine.

I had my appointment on Monday and sure enough, everything was fine. There is an explanation for the bleeding (I won’t go into detail here) but it’s nothing to be worried about. And Emma seems to be fine – her heart rate is normal, movement is normal and good overall, I’m measuring right on track, etc. So all of that worrying for nothing. (The doctor did have me schedule another ultrasound for next Monday, just to be sure there’s not another explanation.)

Another day at work, I was just sitting at my desk and all of a sudden had horrible shooting/stabbing pain in my pelvis and belly. Like so bad I couldn’t stand up straight. It came and went for about 30 minutes. And because I hadn’t felt Emma move much throughout the morning, my mind started racing with thoughts of preterm labor and having to have a c-section at not even 30 weeks. After eating something and going to the bathroom, it got better for the most part, but I still called the nurse because Emma still wasn’t moving much. The nurse said told me to drink something sugary and lay down for an hour to count Emma’s kicks. And that as long as the pain went away and the baby was moving enough, they didn’t usually worry too much. I left work early to work from home for the afternoon and sure enough, after a glass of OJ and laying on the couch, Emma was fine. (I’ve since had more belly pains like that and I guess it’s just things stretching out down there? It’s definitely not pleasant, whatever it is! I also assume Emma wasn’t moving a ton because she was exhausted from storing up her little baby fat!)

Pregnancy continues to remind me of how not in control of things I am. I can research and worry and overthink and panic until I’m blue in the face, but what do I change with all of that? I only manage to destroy my own peace.

What I really need to do is trust God – and acknowledge that God has given me this gift of pregnancy and motherhood freely, unmerited, and I must hold it with open hands.  That’s where having an eternal perspective is critical – it reminds me that this life isn’t “it”. I can wholly surrender all of my dreams and expectations, including motherhood, because a better life is coming. And there are purposes to things that happen here that are bigger than we can presently understand.

I go back to my theme verse – “The meek shall obtain fresh joy in the LORD.” Being meek means accepting all things, even the hard ones, from God’s hand. It means not demanding that things go a certain way. I’m not saying that’s easy to do, because it’s not. But if I really want joy, real joy, I must fight to surrender.

So I’m praying for wisdom to know if/when something really is wrong, and for peace to trust that God is good and loving, no matter what happens.

Do you have a hard time trusting God for anything in your life?

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